How to Let Go of Childhood Beliefs That No Longer Serve You

Lourdes Laifer
Jul 7
3 min read

At a July 4th picnic with friends, I unexpectedly found myself talking about freedom — not the kind we were celebrating that day, but the freedom that comes from letting go of beliefs we picked up in childhood.

Most of us have a memory like this: something someone said about us as kids that left a mark. In my case, I was celebrated for being pretty. Adults would marvel that I looked like a doll. I got so much attention for my appearance that I came to equate my looks with my value, believing that was all I had to offer. There was even a running joke in my family: I was "pretty but not very smart."

Me, as a baby — right around when the 'doll' comments started.

I knew the joke wasn't meant seriously — it was said in fun. But when I struggled in school, I didn't chalk it up to needing more practice or a different study approach. I chalked it up to low, fixed ability. Those four words — pretty but not very smart — had seeped in anyway. Through school, college, and even into adulthood, I underestimated my abilities and my capacity to grow.

I had what psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset. Reading her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success was a genuine game-changer for me. Before I read it, my instinctive reaction to any real challenge was a flat "no way, I can't do that." Difficulty didn't motivate me — it stopped me before I'd even begun.

In Mindset, Dweck lays out the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset. With a fixed mindset, you believe your abilities are set in stone — you're either good at something or you're not. With a growth mindset, you understand that skills are built, and that effort is what builds them. A growth mindset expands you. A fixed mindset makes you contract, recoil, retreat. That was me, for a long time.

The Picnic Conversation

Fast forward to that July 4th picnic. A friend was sharing how a family narrative repeated since childhood had caused her to see herself through a negative lens — and how that self-view had shaped her choices and behavior in ways that dimmed her light.

What I told her was this: when we're willing to look at the origin of our beliefs and self-perceptions — when we can hold them up and ask whether they're actually true, valid, or backed by evidence — we start to free ourselves from the very things keeping us stuck.

Here's what that can look like:

If you grew up believing love had to be earned — through performing or pleasing — you'll likely find yourself replaying that role in your adult relationships.
If your worth was tied to being useful, productive, or of service, rest and relaxation probably don't come easily. Some part of you may still feel like you have to earn the right to slow down.
If you were taught your value lived in your appearance, pursuing an education or building real skills may never have felt necessary — because your currency was always your looks, not your ability.
If you were treated as "special" without learning to connect effort to achievement, you may now find yourself falling short of your potential simply because applying yourself and working hard feel foreign, even threatening.

Your Beliefs Are Driving Your Behavior

Staying tethered to the beliefs we absorbed as children keeps us from real emotional freedom. Our beliefs drive our behavior — quietly, persistently, often invisibly.

So, the question worth asking is simple: Are you still letting the beliefs you acquired as a child determine your actions today?

A Place to Start

If you want to begin untangling this for yourself, try a simple exercise. Take a few minutes to write down the exact words that stuck with you — the label, the joke, the phrase you heard again and again.

Then sit with three questions: